Once sailors start gathering inside the bar, all hell breaks loose. It’s where the fun and laughter begins. Listening to their stories, however horrible and absurd they may be, always brings us to another carefree place where we laugh our hearts out. Here are some knee-slappers about sailors and marines. If you love the following jokes, it’s because the Navy made it. If they suck, then the Navy must have heard it from the Air Force.

• “Any Navy ship can be designated a minesweeper, only once though.” – Because the ship (obviously without minesweeping abilities) will blow up afterwards.
• “Never tell your platoon sergeant that you have nothing to do.” – Or else you’ll have your hands full today.
• “If you ever see some bomb technicians running through the ship, follow them.” – You wouldn’t want to get caught in the blast would you?
• “The only time your ship has too much fuel is when it’s on fire”! – A captain’s response to another captain’s request.
• “When an engine fails on your twin-engine plane, you have more than enough power to land on the crash site.” – One of the best pieces of advice a navy pilot instructor has offered to his student, ever.
• “The person who claimed the pen is mightier than the sword has yet to encounter automatic weapons.” – General MacArthur is one smart guy indeed!

Bring out more beers ‘coz here’s more…

• An old and retired Navy Chief finally bought that chicken ranch he’s been dreamin’ of having for a long time now. He brought his longtime pet parrot with him.
• His first morning in the ranch, he woke up as the parrot squawked up and shouted, “Reveille, reveille. All hands! Heave and trice up. Reveille”! The Chief shot back, “We are in the Navy no more! Back to sleep, you stupid bird”!
• The following morning, his pet did the same thing. The Chief, clearly irritated, said, “If you keep on doing this, you’ll end up in the chicken pen”! He was surprised when his parrot went at it again on the third day. And true to his word, he threw his parrot into the chicken pen.
• The next morning, he was awakened by a great ruckus right in the pen. He checked it out, and froze as he saw 40 white chickens at full attention and in formation, with 3 brown chickens beaten and bruised. The parrot was saying out loud, “By God, if I say you fall out with your dress whites, I did not mean khakis”!

Want some more?

Long ago, when the waves are still ruled by sailing ships, there was one on the seas preparing to be boarded by pirates. With the crew getting scared and all, the captain roared, “Bring to me my red shirt”! His first mate came running with one. His captain put it on and led everyone to greet the boarding party. They successfully repelled the pirates, though they suffered some casualties.

Later during the day, a lookout warned that another two pirate vessels were on their way, and preparing boarding parties. When the men cowered in anxiety and fear, the captain simply bellowed to his first mate “My red shirt, now”! The boarding commenced, the battle is waged, and the captain and crew again repelled the pirates successfully, even if they incurred more casualties this time.

Weary from all the battles, the exhausted crew settled on deck for the night recounting what had happened. An ensign asked the captain why the red shirt. He was rewarded with a captain’s stare, and a smirk, “If ever I am wounded, my red shirt will hide my blood and wound, thus my men can continue the fighting unafraid.” All the men then marveled of their captain’s courage in silence.

As dawn came, the lookout reported 20 pirate ships loudly and in disbelief. All the crew looked up to their captain, expecting the same command. But the captain, calmly bellowed, “Quick, my brown pants”! – SO WHEN I SHIT MYSELF, YOU MEN WOULDN’T NOTICE IT!

Enjoy!